Meg

She's still out there. It's been almost a month. Annie starts school next week and Meg would've started school at the same time. Her first year of high school. I was so worried about boys...I shouldn't have worried about other kids. I should've worried about the adults.
This is normal now, waking up and scanning the news and calling the police every morning, that sick feeling of rising hope even though the answer's always the same. Looking at my daughter's empty bed every morning, thinking about how it's neatly made for once. Annie clinging to my side all the time. She's barely spoken since Meg was taken. I'm not sure if she should even be going to school next week. I'm not sure if I want her to go.

We're still searching the forests. The police have no leads, the call lines are empty, and every day the possibility of finding her becomes more and more dim.

You see this on the news and you never imagine it'll be you. You never imagine these things can happen. You never imagine it will hurt this much.

they found her finger in the woods

my ex-husband found it. We were searching- I was searching a different part of the woods- he said he found it...he says it was on the ground. It was so pale and small. They didn't want me to see it but in the end I got my way. I deserve to see...
they sent it to Seattle for testing. I got the results back today. It's hers. It's Meg's finger. The bastard cut off my daughter's finger. My daughter. He hurt her.
My ex thinks she's dead. He's wrong, he's so wrong, he's so wrong. He has to be. Moron. Losing her finger wouldn't kill her. Not even with blood loss. She's not dead. She's not. She's not.
I haven't told Annie. She's been having more nightmares. Told me that the faceless man was in our room last night. How do you tell your daughter that her sister's lost a finger? How do you tell your daughter that her sister's been missing for weeks?
Meg, baby, darling...god dammit. I'll kill him. what he did to her. What he did to her. I'll cut his balls off. I'll cut off his fingers I'll tear out his tongue. I'll break all his bones. That bastard is going to pay.
He'll pay and pay and pay.

Nine days

She's been missing for nine days.
The police are worthless. They said that without a ransom, she could be anywhere. I've been driving around the neighborhood where she was taken in wider and wider circles, putting up fliers, knocking on doors...people are searching the woods for any sign of her. It's been on the news, that amber alert thing- like that'll do any good. People just change the channel. Haven't I done the same thing all these years? Another missing child, not my problem. If only.
Contacted the National Center for Missing/exploited Children. There's a hotline. Every call has been a false alarm.

The police are sitting with their thumbs up their ass watching. And so's my prick of an ex. He's passively waiting for news. His daughter's been kidnapped and he's just sitting there watching CNN like that has answers, like Meg's going to show up safe and sound on the tv screen. I spoke to him yesterday and he thinks...he's given up hope.
Annie's barely spoken since Meg was taken. She rides along with me when I put up fliers and sleeps in my bed at night. For once I want her to cling to me.

And there's nothing- no sign of Meg. Whoever has her, the son of a bitch is good. But I'm not giving up. I'm going to find him if I have to quit my job, live on the street, devote every ounce of energy to looking...if I have to do it completely alone. Meg's not dead. She's not dead. She's my fucking daughter and if that man's touched a hair on her head...

Two days ago my daughters were walking home from their summer camp together and a man wearing a suit took Meg. He left Annie. Annie ran home and called me at work and I called the police and when I got home twenty minutes later they were everywhere. There was a search. They put a trace on my phone but there was no ransom demand. They checked my ex husband's apartment and shadowed him but he hadn't taken her. They questioned Annie but she's too little to remember. She doesn't remember the man's face. They looked for witnesses they looked at the place she was taken they did everything and it wasn't enough.
They packed up and left twenty minutes ago because the 48 hour crisis period was over.
It's not enough. She's still missing. My little girl.

I have to find the bastard that took my little girl.

Happy Birthday to Meg

As I write these words, there are five shrieking middle school girls behind me, lying on their sleeping bags in the living room and playing some kind of overly noisy board game. They've all got a sugar-high from cake and ice cream, and Meg is glowing. She really is growing up to be very beautiful.
You'll think I'm an idiot, but I'd completely forgotten that Meg was reading my blog until she commented the other day. Lucky I didn't say what I was getting her for a present! In case anyone was wondering, it was a stuffed elephant she'd noticed last time we were shopping together. When she opened the box, she acted annoyed- "Mooooom, I'm too old for this!" - but when her friends were in the kitchen eating pizza, she snuck out and gave me a huge hug. It's moments like these that make me glad to be a mom.

Now I'm going to have to tell the girls to quiet down a little, because Annie's sleeping. I've already resigned myself to staying up all night, listening to them whisper and giggle, and making sure they don't sneak out the front door.

Another weekend

I took the car in to the Honda dealership yesterday morning, and the bill is about what I expected- that is, it's just a little bit out of my range right now. Go figure.
So I've been trying to figure out a birthday gift for Meg that I can actually afford, but one that she'll still enjoy. It's pretty difficult considering the kinds of things her friends at school have...she understands that we don't have as much money as other people, but sometimes she forgets, and I do hate disappointing her like this.

I hate to be the kind of mom who buys her children's affection (and I actually don't have the chance to be that kind of mom) but I do want to get Meg something nice, just to show that whatever kind of rough patch we're going through, it doesn't mean I don't love her.

In other news, my sister Ellie's baby is due in less than a month! I'm so excited for her, especially since she is completely ready to have that baby. She told me on the phone today that she can't remember what her feet look like. We're already arranging a visit once the baby's old enough to travel, so that the girls can meet their new cousin. And Ellie's finally decided on a name: Madeleine Rose. I think it's very elegant, and I'm sure it'll fit the baby perfectly.

Back to the usual.

Sorry about the last post being so depressing. I've been very stressed out lately- having to work long hours, especially to afford the car service. Which, as it turns out, is really very necessary, because the engine's been making funny noises. I guess I can't put it off much longer.
As if that wasn't enough, I did have that talk with Meg, The Talk as TV usually says. And since then she's been...I'm not sure how to describe it. She's always been a little touchy- we don't always get along so well- but since we talked she's had a hair trigger. We got into a shouting match and she almost stormed out of the apartment last night because I didn't want her watching TV while I had a headache.
With all this tension, it's no wonder that Annie's been even more quiet than usual. She's started trying to creep into bed with me at night, which she hasn't done since she was 6. She says she's been having nightmares but she can't say what they're about. I think it's because of listening to me and Meg fighting, and so I've been trying to get along better with Meg for her sake. But it is pretty difficult to balance between being a good mom, being firm, and keeping the peace.
I also think that Annie's been having some problems fitting in at the summer camp her elementary school runs. She always seems a little nervous when I drop her off, and she doesn't really talk about having any friends there, which worries me a little bit. She's a shy girl, and doesn't make friends very easily. But I suppose I can't do anything about it until she's ready to tell me what the problem is.

You'd think I'd be better at this whole "mom" thing by now, but with the girls being as different as they are, it's like I don't have previous experience at all.