Meg

She's still out there. It's been almost a month. Annie starts school next week and Meg would've started school at the same time. Her first year of high school. I was so worried about boys...I shouldn't have worried about other kids. I should've worried about the adults.
This is normal now, waking up and scanning the news and calling the police every morning, that sick feeling of rising hope even though the answer's always the same. Looking at my daughter's empty bed every morning, thinking about how it's neatly made for once. Annie clinging to my side all the time. She's barely spoken since Meg was taken. I'm not sure if she should even be going to school next week. I'm not sure if I want her to go.

We're still searching the forests. The police have no leads, the call lines are empty, and every day the possibility of finding her becomes more and more dim.

You see this on the news and you never imagine it'll be you. You never imagine these things can happen. You never imagine it will hurt this much.

they found her finger in the woods

my ex-husband found it. We were searching- I was searching a different part of the woods- he said he found it...he says it was on the ground. It was so pale and small. They didn't want me to see it but in the end I got my way. I deserve to see...
they sent it to Seattle for testing. I got the results back today. It's hers. It's Meg's finger. The bastard cut off my daughter's finger. My daughter. He hurt her.
My ex thinks she's dead. He's wrong, he's so wrong, he's so wrong. He has to be. Moron. Losing her finger wouldn't kill her. Not even with blood loss. She's not dead. She's not. She's not.
I haven't told Annie. She's been having more nightmares. Told me that the faceless man was in our room last night. How do you tell your daughter that her sister's lost a finger? How do you tell your daughter that her sister's been missing for weeks?
Meg, baby, darling...god dammit. I'll kill him. what he did to her. What he did to her. I'll cut his balls off. I'll cut off his fingers I'll tear out his tongue. I'll break all his bones. That bastard is going to pay.
He'll pay and pay and pay.

Nine days

She's been missing for nine days.
The police are worthless. They said that without a ransom, she could be anywhere. I've been driving around the neighborhood where she was taken in wider and wider circles, putting up fliers, knocking on doors...people are searching the woods for any sign of her. It's been on the news, that amber alert thing- like that'll do any good. People just change the channel. Haven't I done the same thing all these years? Another missing child, not my problem. If only.
Contacted the National Center for Missing/exploited Children. There's a hotline. Every call has been a false alarm.

The police are sitting with their thumbs up their ass watching. And so's my prick of an ex. He's passively waiting for news. His daughter's been kidnapped and he's just sitting there watching CNN like that has answers, like Meg's going to show up safe and sound on the tv screen. I spoke to him yesterday and he thinks...he's given up hope.
Annie's barely spoken since Meg was taken. She rides along with me when I put up fliers and sleeps in my bed at night. For once I want her to cling to me.

And there's nothing- no sign of Meg. Whoever has her, the son of a bitch is good. But I'm not giving up. I'm going to find him if I have to quit my job, live on the street, devote every ounce of energy to looking...if I have to do it completely alone. Meg's not dead. She's not dead. She's my fucking daughter and if that man's touched a hair on her head...

Two days ago my daughters were walking home from their summer camp together and a man wearing a suit took Meg. He left Annie. Annie ran home and called me at work and I called the police and when I got home twenty minutes later they were everywhere. There was a search. They put a trace on my phone but there was no ransom demand. They checked my ex husband's apartment and shadowed him but he hadn't taken her. They questioned Annie but she's too little to remember. She doesn't remember the man's face. They looked for witnesses they looked at the place she was taken they did everything and it wasn't enough.
They packed up and left twenty minutes ago because the 48 hour crisis period was over.
It's not enough. She's still missing. My little girl.

I have to find the bastard that took my little girl.

Happy Birthday to Meg

As I write these words, there are five shrieking middle school girls behind me, lying on their sleeping bags in the living room and playing some kind of overly noisy board game. They've all got a sugar-high from cake and ice cream, and Meg is glowing. She really is growing up to be very beautiful.
You'll think I'm an idiot, but I'd completely forgotten that Meg was reading my blog until she commented the other day. Lucky I didn't say what I was getting her for a present! In case anyone was wondering, it was a stuffed elephant she'd noticed last time we were shopping together. When she opened the box, she acted annoyed- "Mooooom, I'm too old for this!" - but when her friends were in the kitchen eating pizza, she snuck out and gave me a huge hug. It's moments like these that make me glad to be a mom.

Now I'm going to have to tell the girls to quiet down a little, because Annie's sleeping. I've already resigned myself to staying up all night, listening to them whisper and giggle, and making sure they don't sneak out the front door.

Another weekend

I took the car in to the Honda dealership yesterday morning, and the bill is about what I expected- that is, it's just a little bit out of my range right now. Go figure.
So I've been trying to figure out a birthday gift for Meg that I can actually afford, but one that she'll still enjoy. It's pretty difficult considering the kinds of things her friends at school have...she understands that we don't have as much money as other people, but sometimes she forgets, and I do hate disappointing her like this.

I hate to be the kind of mom who buys her children's affection (and I actually don't have the chance to be that kind of mom) but I do want to get Meg something nice, just to show that whatever kind of rough patch we're going through, it doesn't mean I don't love her.

In other news, my sister Ellie's baby is due in less than a month! I'm so excited for her, especially since she is completely ready to have that baby. She told me on the phone today that she can't remember what her feet look like. We're already arranging a visit once the baby's old enough to travel, so that the girls can meet their new cousin. And Ellie's finally decided on a name: Madeleine Rose. I think it's very elegant, and I'm sure it'll fit the baby perfectly.

Back to the usual.

Sorry about the last post being so depressing. I've been very stressed out lately- having to work long hours, especially to afford the car service. Which, as it turns out, is really very necessary, because the engine's been making funny noises. I guess I can't put it off much longer.
As if that wasn't enough, I did have that talk with Meg, The Talk as TV usually says. And since then she's been...I'm not sure how to describe it. She's always been a little touchy- we don't always get along so well- but since we talked she's had a hair trigger. We got into a shouting match and she almost stormed out of the apartment last night because I didn't want her watching TV while I had a headache.
With all this tension, it's no wonder that Annie's been even more quiet than usual. She's started trying to creep into bed with me at night, which she hasn't done since she was 6. She says she's been having nightmares but she can't say what they're about. I think it's because of listening to me and Meg fighting, and so I've been trying to get along better with Meg for her sake. But it is pretty difficult to balance between being a good mom, being firm, and keeping the peace.
I also think that Annie's been having some problems fitting in at the summer camp her elementary school runs. She always seems a little nervous when I drop her off, and she doesn't really talk about having any friends there, which worries me a little bit. She's a shy girl, and doesn't make friends very easily. But I suppose I can't do anything about it until she's ready to tell me what the problem is.

You'd think I'd be better at this whole "mom" thing by now, but with the girls being as different as they are, it's like I don't have previous experience at all.

Kids these days

This is going to sound silly, but when I was young I never thought I'd get so old, so fast.
Meg is going to be 15 next month. I can't believe that this smart, amazing person is my daughter, the same girl as the tiny baby I used to nurse, the toddler I taught to walk, the little girl who used to sit still so I could braid her hair. Now she's pestering me for an iphone (why, I don't know- she knows I'll never be able to afford one for her), and talking about learning to drive.
It's bringing up a lot of strange stuff that I didn't think I'd have to worry about so soon.

I had Meg when I was only 19 years old. I was going to community college, which might not sound like much, but I was the first in generations of my family to make it that far. I was so proud. I was studying economics. And then I got pregnant.
When we found out I was pregnant, my ex-husband and I got married. We were very in love then, strange as it is to think about now. I still miss those days sometimes. We were so utterly wrong for each other but we didn't know it yet. I had to drop out of school- couldn't afford to pay for college and the baby, and the baby won out. He dropped out too, in order to work full time. We always imagined we'd be going back to college someday.

I love my daughters very much. They're both wonderful, amazing people, and I'm so thrilled to see them grow up the way they are. But as Meg gets into her teen years, I'm starting to worry about her. We don't always see eye to eye, and she's always been a little wild. I'm terrified that she'll make the same mistake that I did- not to say that having her was a mistake, but getting pregnant so young...
I'm not sure how to sit down and have this talk with her, but I do think it's important. She hit puberty this year and I'm sure she thinks about boys all the time, and I'd better get this over with before it's too late. I just want what's best for her. I want her to go to college and get a degree, and become everything she's dreamed of being. She's so smart, she'll go so far. Farther than I ever got.

Bellevue

...was a dream. Of course, I forgot to bring my camera, but the tour was just fantastic. No sign of rain and it wasn't too hot, and Paula and I ended up with a really informative tour guide who also kept cracking really terrible puns about flowers. Lunch was great too- we ate at a little streetside cafe, which coincidentally also had some lovely roses twining around the railing of the patio. I had a great meal- one of the best chicken and avocado sandwiches I've ever had! It was so much fun to have a day in the city, with a good friend and no pressure.

When I got home I had a long chat with Ellie on the phone, and she brought me up to date on everything happening in her neck of the woods. Her pregnancy's going well and her husband Aaron might be getting a promotion. And with the girls both over their colds, I feel like things are going better than they have in a long time, knock wood. Maybe I can even get a raise at work- as if that'd ever happen.

The only real dark spot recently is that my car's in need of some servicing, after that trip out to Bellevue, and I'm not entirely sure I'll be able to afford it. I guess it might be slim pickings around here for a few weeks, but I think we can manage if I just cook a little bit more instead of ordering takeout. I hate cooking and I rarely have the time, but maybe I can coerce Meg into making dinner a few times a week. Annie's pretty good about setting and clearing the table, and usually Meg helps me with the dishes, but it wouldn't kill her to help out around the house a little more. Annie too, for that matter- they've got a wide-open summer, and they should be able to help out a little. Maybe if I can work a little longer during the summer, I can save up enough for another little vacation, this time with all three of us. I'd like to take the girls into Seattle sometime, I know they'd both love it, especially the Seattle Aquarium...hmm. Think I'll keep that in mind in case that raise comes in.

Finally.

Meg's mostly over her cold now, and Annie's getting better. I actuallly might have avoided it myself, knock on wood.

For once I'm actually glad the girls will be gone this weekend, because a co-worker and I are going to drive into Bellevue and get lunch, and then go to the botanic garden. They have a guided tour on weekends, and we're both plant lovers. And in case Meg gets it into her head to check this site, no, it is definitely not a date. This is my friend Paula, who's another secretary at my work.
It'll be nice to get out of Pine Hill for a while, even if it is a long drive. I haven't been on anything even resembling a vacation since Christmas, when we flew to Reno to visit Ellie and her husband. This time it's only a day trip, but it'll be fun. I want to get some potted plants for the balcony before it gets too warm to grow them properly- maybe some sweet peas or marigolds. I used to love gardening- well, still do I suppose, I just don't get much of a chance to do it because we live in a second story apartment. There's not much room for potted plants and of course there's no yard.

I'd ask the girls to come along, of course, but neither of them have really inherited my interst in plants, so they'd both be very bored. And apparently Annie’s made a little friend in her father’s apartment complex, so she’s very excited about seeing her again. I wish I could meet this girl’s parents, because I’m not sure if I trust their dad to make all of the right decisions concerning their friends…I’d ask that he keep them both over at his apartment, but after last week I’m not sure he wouldn’t do the opposite just to spite me.

Oh, that’s him at the door. Better close this window.

I knew it.

Despite my protests, the kids did end up staying with their father over the weekend...we had a fight about it, the first one in a few years actually. Usually we barely talk when he comes to pick them up and drop them off.
In any case, I finally gave up and let them go with him. I shouldn't have done it. Meg came back a little better but now Annie's caught her cold, and she's got it worse than Meg...I had to move Meg to my room last night because Annie was coughing so hard. Meg was the only one who got any sleep. Poor Annie looks like she's been drugged, today. She finally fell asleep on the couch, and I don't want to move her in case she wakes up...
I asked Meg if they stayed up late at their father's place, and she evaded the question. Can you believe that? I didn't even press the question because I was so stunned. Meg's always been a little bit wild, but it just hurts that she would side with him against me.

In any case, I did manage to get Meg's approval on one thing- she found a box of clothes I used to wear when I was in high school, and apparently I was fashionable back then. She brought it up to me so excited about borrowing my old skirts and t-shirts...it's so strange to think that she's old enough to fit into that stuff. She's growing up so fast, and it makes my head spin. I was still just a kid when I had her, and seeing her reaching the end of middle school and trying on that ridiculous Slayer shirt I was wearing right around the time I got pregant with her...it's so strange. I'm so proud of my little girl, but I'm still getting used to the fact that she's not very little anymore.

Being a mom is strange.

Perfect timing

It was bound to happen, I suppose...Meg's caught a summer cold. She's got a fever and she's been sneezing and coughing. I am glad that it happened after she got out of school, but now she's lying around the house sick, and any parents out there will know how difficult it is to take good care of a sick child. Especially because her sister is still healthy, and demanding entertainment.

One thing's for certain, they won't be going to their father's house tonight. He's no good with doctors and medicine. He forgets everything. And he never gets them to bed on time. It's amazing how childish he can be...
I'm rambling again. Time to go see if I can get off work tomorrow. I doubt it. *sigh*

A moment of free time

The girls are over at their father’s house, so I suppose I’d better do my weekly post now. At least with them at his house every weekend, I have time to clean the apartment and get some laundry done, and maybe even a few minutes to myself. After all these years it’s gotten to be sort of a routine. Currently I’m sitting in front of the computer with a Seagrams and Seven in hand, emailing my sister Ellie to catch up. She’s the baby of the family, Ellie is – five years younger than me, just married a guy in Reno two years ago and now she’s expecting her first child. I’m glad she didn’t follow my example, or Jen’s. Jen is my other sister, the middle sister. She’s been out of contact with me since I divorced my ex-husband. She always was a little too religious for her own good.
It’s funny how I fall into talking about my sisters. I meant to talk about my day, but the mind wanders. Who’d think that at 33 I’d be feeling so old?

The girls should be back in about half an hour, so that I can put Annie to bed on time. They just got out of school, and that means their bedtimes have moved back half an hour. Of course Meg’s at that age where she’s complaining about having a set bedtime at all, but I’m going to stay firm. God knows their father doesn’t enforce enough rules. I just know he’s going to be late again. He’s had them every weekend for almost ten years now, and the man has not once been on time to drop them off.

I’d better finish this entry, and finish telling Ellie my horror stories about pregnancy! Ha, I kid. Both girls were relatively easy to carry, although Annie was such a huge baby. It’s amazing she’s so small now! Ellie is apparently going to have a girl as well, maybe it’s the family curse (or blessing).

I’m all over the place in this entry. I hope I can get the hang of this blogging thing so that Meg doesn’t try to teach me. Until next time.

Well, like the title says...

...fair's fair. For some reason my daughter has been after me to start a blog, so when we were playing poker last night, I said I'd start one if she beat me. Of course she did, and of course she didn't forget the bet! I don't understand why she's so excited about this, actually. She set it up right after she got home from school, and when I got home from work she wouldn't rest until I posted, so...here I am.

For any readers, which I doubt I'll ever get, my name is Deb. I'm a 33 year old mother of two beautiful little girls. Meg, my oldest, is 14. She made the blog. Annie, who is 10, is my other daughter. They're both looking over my shoulder and Meggie's protesting that she's not little anymore. Sorry hon, you'll always be my little girl.

The bet was that I had to keep posting in this at least once a week, so I'll try and keep up. My job has long hours, though, so Meg, you'll have to forgive me if I can't make it stick. Work comes first, but you know that already.

Well I guess that's my duty done, I'll be posting next week I suppose. Until then!

Look what i made you Mom

i didn't forget about the bet at all Mom! Now you have to post in it! It's really easy and i'll show you how. Hope you like it!!

-Megg